WoW-Anon

Roleplay

2007-12-05T00:34:00.001-05:00

So I'm confronting a hobby I've spent doing since I was 13, sometimes hours and hours at a time. Escaping into fantasy worlds with imaginary characters. It can be healthy, and it can be dangerous. I've been on both ends, mostly the dangerous one.

My WoW addiction wasn't your typical item or PVP ranking but the longing for roleplay and company through roleplay. I hardly ever wanted to know the person behind the screen; I just wanted their characters with mine. It didn't matter if they were friend or foe, lover or murderer, they were just there and we were cooperating on something creative.

I think this is why I feel happy and confident when I'm working on a group project for art or design. I'm being creative with other people who enjoy being creative. It's hard to find the time to do that in college unless it's for a class or doing work. But even so, that's such a nice feeling.

The Rping goes past WoW. I Rped in MUDs and Yahoo chatrooms throughout high school. I like making up characters and worlds, and sometimes Rping was a good way to get an initial feel of them and explore their personality.

Unless it's about an interest, I never liked getting to know the people behind the character. It didn't ruin the character itself so much as it drove me away from the person as a whole. Sometimes I didn't mind them. But you had all kinds of people who came into Rping; many of them had mental conditions, myself included. We would clash over small details. I would spend nights agonizing over a plot's progress or a character's condition. I didn't feel personally attached to my character, as in, if my character had to die, so be it. But I think I was just as attached to the plot and world.

I used roleplay to explore aspects of my mind with people I couldn't explore in reality. But, most importantly, I used it to get away from the real world. I remember staying up past sunrise to finish a roleplay. I remember obsessing over plot details.

I guess as time goes by, you start to drift away. You find better outlets for things. I like drawing better than roleplaying. I can still escape into a fantasy world and make up a story, but it's different. I can share it with other people. Other people can give me feedback on my characters and their world without me having to rake for hours for someone who shares my same interests. I find it more amusing to muse over ideas. It leaves me less drained, takes up less time, and just letting the imagination go wild. I can muse with anyone. I can't roleplay with everybody.

I've been playing on an acquaintance's (at best) private roleplay server. I'm not on very much anymore unless roleplay is going on, and it's kind of irritating to watch.

I don't even think I log in to participate when something big is going on. It's more like watching a zoo.

Some people are there to have fun, but out of those, you have people who take rp as a serious art and then more. When they are out of character, they enjoy talking about their character more than I'd desire to talk about my own. They spend a long time planning in advance what's going to happen instead of letting improv takes it's course. It's irritating to watch because I was the same way a long time ago.

I want to say things to them, and sometimes I do, only to watch them do it all over again. I've been there. Most everything about the roleplay risks was told to me; it was a matter of me applying it. Now I know making long, empty text descriptions are useless compared to a rich sentence. I know getting wrapped up in the politics of details is energy better spent elsewhere, like musing or drawing or writing. Or daydreaming.

I watch now because I'm bored. I talk about it because I'm bored. I have some sympathy for them, but I won't tell them that. They won't take it the right way. I know because I wouldn't when I was like them, either. I'm also not here to help them unless they ask for it. I'm not offering, but I'll help you. I'm just here now.

The breakup letter.

2007-09-17T11:50:00.000-05:00

So, last week, I was having a talk with a friend who I met on WoW. (we quit together under the terms the game was stupid, but I was addicted and he wasn't; he's been EXTREMELY supportive of me, though)

At the time, I was on the rebound playing on private servers. Although I wouldn't play as compulsively as I would on retail- considering one server had extremely high rates and custom content, and the other was 1-hit-level-70, I still played on my weeks off from school and work to cope with my anxiety and stress that had accumulated over the years in addition to being in such a 'dead area' (Read the previous post).

I was repeating to him what happened in counseling in a sort of zoned out state. At the same time, I was playing Windows Solitaire for the hell of it on the PC in the kitchen while waiting for my dinner to finish cooking.

It was the first time, in a long time, I had to play a game that commanded my skill and actual attention.

It was kind of a slap in the face. I said "IM LOSING AT WINDOWS SOLITAIRE." But, it was more to it than that; WAY more. I can't explain it, but it hit me hard. I was expecting the same kind of gameplay I had been used to since December 6th, 2004. And, all of a sudden, the gameplay I remembered from 1984 just jumped on me.

I still can't put it into words; it's more to it than that. I said "I really need to get rid of WoW." After all the trouble I went to re-downloading it and putting it on not one, but two computers...

I asked my friend what I could do to get it out of my system. He suggested that, if he were me, he'd write something like a breakup letter to WoW. List all the good times. List the bad times. Say why you can't be there for WoW anymore. Burn the letter.

Truth be told, I hate writing. I hate writing my own name with a pencil, even; I have to use a pen. This makes no sense because I draw a lot; it's part of my study and work. But the act of typing gives me a lot of relief.

So, that's what I did. I poured my heart out. Those good times I kept dwelling on, I put that in there. The bad times that started to come up, especially when honor was introduced, was included. I included my own lack of self-discipline and my dedication to WoW, my eternal search for that missing something in the huge void in my life. But I also criticized WoW for what it did to people who I'd met ingame, people who were friendly in lower levels, but turned selfish in the endgame, and how WoW made that one person realize their life was just more than a game. (who rubbed off on me; I'll get more into that person later someday)

I haven't printed it out; I don't think I will just yet. It's still on my hard drive. I read over it and add more to it that I've forgotten. One of the issues I had was lying to myself, and I just kept unloading and unloading. I can't comprehend how much of a relief it was to write that letter.

My counselor says I need to leave this town.

2007-09-12T09:51:00.000-05:00

I am a completely different person when I'm at school. I'm eager to communicate, I try to go the extra mile, I hang out, I stay after (if I'm not too tired or hungry), I get into trouble, I have a good time. If I game, it's with a group of people I am physically with.

I don't think about WoW or any other MMO. If anything, I think about making one.

At home, it's just the same old redundant out in the country. I go into my room. I may try to talk to my family, but they get distracted or are just as tired. I go online and do online things. It's boring and unfeeling. And yes, sometimes I may play on the WoW private servers just to put a dent in my redundancy. But even then, there is nothing there.

The medication I'm on right now makes me dream every night. Sometimes they're painfully vivid nightmares that make me scared to go to sleep. But other times, they're exciting dreams that make me never want to wake up again.

I sent my friend a text message last night because I didn't feel like coming online:

I feel so stifled. I go on WoW to play & I feel nothing. I don't finish my Neverwinter Nights download because I don't know what I can get from it. I then realize I'm not gaming for fun, but for compensation of this redundancy and my limited options here. And then, what does one do when your last outlet becomes a part of that redundant, stifling pattern to where you log in and play mindlessly, so far gone in the task, you're numb to your drug of choice?

I think the question was rhetorical. Nonetheless, it's haunting my mind.

I have to go to the next city over to give my housing deposit over for the dorms. My financial aid approved of me to get them, so all there is now is to wait until move-in time.

But what do I do until then?

Xpac

2007-08-04T11:49:00.000-05:00

I see the new xpac's been announced.

It actually looks... tempting. I remember playing WoW and hoping for an epic solo quest, changeable hairstyles and dances, etc. And now, they're adding it, but...

Treadmill, treadmill, treadmill...

Cheat like me!

2007-02-17T21:16:00.000-05:00

If you're really hardcore into an MMO and say you're gonna leave once you get x epic item, why not try high rate free servers and get it, say, in an hour?

Do you feel that it is wrong and going against the original publisher's intentions? Do you feel it's "unfair" so you want to do it "the honest way" like those on the official servers to get your legendary? Do you want to work hard so you can truly bask in your achievement?

Bad keyword here: WORK. You do not play games to do more work, remember that.

This is what I did with WoW; playing on free servers really, really, really opened my eyes. It wasn't the final boot, but it was shove forward when I spent under 2 hours hitting 60 and was decked out in purples. It looked nice, but, once I had it all, I couldn't imagine grinding for it on the official servers. Since I'd experienced it elsewhere, I didn't give a damn about spending all those hours just to look uber in a game.

What's the advantage of getting it on the official servers?

People who you've gamed with get to share in your acheivement and compliment your hard work.
People on the server admire you for having all this awesome gear and being so powerful because of your skills (read: time) obtaining these peices!
You're now one of the upper crust, the best of the server.

These do sound quite nice, because you did it on the official server. You did it the right way. You did it the honest way. So now, let's imagine you worked hard for all this cool gear and you have a friend who just started on a free server and got this SAME GEAR in the same night they started. It's probably funny to you; you think "psh, that doesn't count. At least I did it THE REAL HARD-EARNED WAY."

But you have the same exact gear in the same game. What does it matter? The only difference it makes is the other people, the HONEST (because the difference between honesty and dishonesty to Blizzard is $15 a month) players will be praising you (til the next patch comes to nullify your gear's glory). So you feel really great about all this gear... that you spent all that time getting. The same gear your friend took less than an hour to get.

Playing on free servers with high rates (XP rates, drop rates) pretty much brings all the content in the game up to the surface. Most free servers keep up with the latest patches, too. A few now support Burning Crusade as well. With the slow grind out of the way, you see all that the game has to offer. If you're itching to see 50,000g, all purples on your paper-doll, and probably have every epic mount in the game (yeah, they violate "official mechanics," too. :) My night elf rogue had an epic forsaken mount AND a kodo!) then you can do it all in less than a few nights with these.

They're quite easy to search for. I'll link to the one I used for World of Warcraft here. You'll want to aim for ones labeled "high", "very high" or, my favorite, "funserver." Here's a toplist of private servers.

Appointment & Burning Crusade

2007-01-22T20:35:00.000-05:00

It's been a long while since I posted. I went to the therapist's not long after my last post. I got diagnosed with anxiety and was offered to come back for an update and if I felt I needed medication. I haven't gone back, not because I thought I needed medication (I've been taking St. John's Wort and Gingko Bilboa regularly and it helps IMMENSELY) but because I haven't had the extra cash to do so.

While in class, I wonder would it be worth going back. The therapist was a good listener. But the things she told me to go do were things I had been telling myself to do for months: draw more, go back to the gym, hang out with friends more. I'm not self-diagnosing myself, but she didn't tell me anything diffrent and then asked me if I felt I needed medicine, so I didn't feel compelled to set asid money to try and go back. Since this post, I started doing yoga, hung out with friends so much over christmas break, I ended up sleeping 12 hours one day,and drawing when I when I can, considering I already draw a lot for my major.

I've been drawing out themes for my website (which is currently disclosed from this community as I want to remain anonymous) because I feel a strong calling twoards web development and design. I've also been remodeling my room a lot. I consolidated my closet and it's embarassing to say this, but organizing my room is fun. It's still junky, but I can actually find things again. Sort of.

I guess I should talk about Burning Crusade since it's been out. I actually recived an IM from an old WoW player who was popular on the server for not being very bright. I had told her, months prior, I'd quit, uninstalled, trashed the game. She comes up to ask if I got BC. I laugh. She says it seems I've started hating WoW more ever since I quit. I told her it's like stepping back from something you love at first sight. You don't realize it's flaws once you're away from it. It's not that I hate WoW, it's just that, when you strip it down to it's bare bones, it's no diffrent from a lot of games of it's kind. And there's NO SKILL involved for anything; you are rewarded for time. It's only good if you're in good company as it is a buffed-up chatroom. Or rather, I don't think people stay logged in as long if they're soloing. There's a LOT of games like this; it's the trend now.

I hear BC is good. I also hear of a few new mmos being released. I'll feel tempted to play them, then read what they have, and it comes out as the same old "pick a race, kill and level to kill and level some more" pattern.

I think I'll go play Sims 2...

Updates

2006-12-16T13:34:00.000-05:00

2 jobs and school full time, I don't know if it's because I've been too tired or two distracted to experience the gaming pangs. I truly belive it's because I'm busy and re-adopted more intrests like drawing and got more priorities in place as well as end goals (like moving the hell out of this place and getting closer to the campus).

I am going to the psych's on the 21st of December so I will make an update regarding what was said. This town is small, and many doctors I called kept thinking I said I had a gambling addiction. Gaming addiction is still so new.

I'm worried, not because of being afraid to say much as I intend to pour my heart out, but being afraid the doctor will think I'm tripping out, nod once, and throw me on some pills. I don't mind medication as a temporary mood assistant (especially for stress) but I really want the help and support.

Changes

2006-10-18T19:41:00.000-05:00

I apologize for not updating often, I've been doing work and school and I just got a second work at home job that I'd been hoping for.

Ever since the outburst on the last post, I've felt different but I won't jump to conclusions as to what they are as I am always on edge about relapsing. My friend told me to play a game that day, and everything felt better; my headache went away, my irritation died down. I was only allowed to play for an hour.

After that day, I played here and there. As time went by, I played games for less and less and focused more and more on the little roleplaying game I was making for fun and commissions.

When at school on break, I would go to Multi-Player Online Games directory or MMOsite to find a new game. I tried to do that on Tuesday and barely stayed on each site for more than a minute. I just felt odd inside. Instead I started looking up stuff on polymer clay modeling and had a good time reading the tutorials and planning on how to utilize them for my projects.

I played Kingdom of Loathing and logged out after about fifteen minutes. It was once that I could play that game for 2 or even 3 hours. It was the same with Goonzu; I played for about 30 minutes and went offline. I kept getting that urge that I could do something better.

I still like gaming but I tingle when I think of being creative or productive. It's still hard to get started on things but not nearly as hard as before. I am still scared of going backwards.

WHAT THE HELL

2006-10-06T20:36:00.000-05:00

This is insane.
I'm on the 1MBPS connection (as opposed to 56k at the other house) and can't game because of this fast. What do you do on high speed if you can't game? Download things? Watch YouTube? I can't go out because my car is in the shop until Sunday, and my friends are an hour away. All there is is TV, but it's TV. It's too dark to go walking... I can't write or draw, I'm too tired and need something mindless to do.

This is insane. It's like being inside of an amusement park, but you can't ride anything.

It hurts badly. My head hurts badly. My stress from the work week keeps piling on. Every urge I get, I push it down and push it down. It never gets resolved, only festers. Last week, my period barely lasted 2 days (It's normally 3-4) and my mood through the entire period was horrible (my mood swings dissappear as it starts). I am starting to think this withdrawl is doing worse to me than i t should.

Withdrawal Log: September 30th-October 6th

2006-10-06T19:34:00.000-05:00

September 30th

At home now, cleaned up what needed to be cleaned up, which isn't very much. I ordered a new muffler for my car, as my current one could blow someone's eardrums out. I went to my cousin's house and got my hair cornrowed. It looks very pretty, but she did them up so tight, I can't turn my head without pivoting the rest of my body. Other than that, I'm enjoying the evening. I need to lay my clothes out for tomorrow's service.

October 6th

The week has been too busy for me to keep log regularly, so I'll talk about the highlights up until today. I went and did a google search for the church I talked about, Central Church of God of Charlotte, N.C. I found out that, though it's a nice community, the upper levels support beliefs I'm very against. They pulled funding from two Charlotte charities because one had funders from the Catholics, and another allowed Muslim students to volunteer (For references, see the articles here and here.). In addition to finding this on the internet, his happened in 2005 and I tried to search for a rebuttal. There wasn't one. When Thursday came and I went to the college service, I had meant to ask but didn't. Reason being was that I found two documents: one advertising a convention for Christian Apologetics (which, for example, listed Unitarians as a threat. Many Unitarians practice Christianity), and the other advocating prayers for Muslims. Not so much so for aid, but more to accept the idea as Jesus as God. Mind you, I'm not trying to turn this into a religious pundit blog; I'm simply stating why this church I found so much hope in now has a high chance of not working out for me, and it doesn't have to. I don't like the idea of one group displaying themselves as more righteous than the other; we're all human. This also made me see that I need more time to myself in terms of spirituality and just meditate.

That aside, I got a new job starting this Monday tutoring elementary students and teaching English as a second language. I'm excited about it but very nervous. As I said, I have a hard time with eye contact and communication even since becoming addictive. I hope I can control it or get out of it as I really like tutoring and would like to keep this job through school.

School is busy. I'm going for 12 hours on Tuesday and 9 hours on Thursday. All the classes are good and I'm hoping for another good quarter.

I still feel nervous sometimes and have cravings. It's like a dull burn. I'm taking St. John's wort until I can get to my appointment with the psychiatrist on the 18th.

Withdrawl Log: September 22nd-29th

2006-09-30T22:30:00.000-05:00

Sept 22nd

My first day. I knew it wouldn't be easy. It started out okay. I installed most of my old games, and deleted bookmarks to browser-based games I've been playing. So far, so good.
In the evening, I could barely do anything. I read a book, I called a friend, I looked up North Korean things so I could look at strange propaganda art (my weakness) and went to bed early.
I dreamt of gaming, of WoW, of all kinds of games. I dreamt of disenchanting my character's stuff, auctioning off the shards, and selling the gold for cash. I then dreamt of selling my character and buying a drafting table with the money. I woke up feeling sick.

Sept 23rd

Day starts out akward, still recaling that dream/nightmare/what-have-you. I remembered my friend told me about a post she saw on the WoW official forums about a man bragging about getting a full epic set, saying all he had to do were things like feed his kids quick meals like ramen and whatnot. I wanted to see it for myself, so I went to the forums. Text search was disabled, so I skimmed along a few pages. I read some topics and was reminded at how shortsighted and dumb the WoW players could get, and left. I did find a player's intresting writup on the lifespan of MMORPGs:The Curse of MMO's(sic): The Two Year Lifespan
After a painful bout with boredom after cleaning up, I went to the YMCA and the library. I'm glad I did. Once I arrived home, I really felt like messing with painter. I watched some movies while drawing. I ended the day feeling euphoric...
...but worried. We're on break this week and classes don't start again until October 2nd. I'm actually missing homework assignments.
I worked on a buisness card for my mother. I have to call around for a decently priced print shop Monday (24th)

Sept 24th

I didn't feel the same euphoria as yesterday. It was a rather dead day. I overslept, I picked up a bit. I played with CSS. It was uneventful- but it's been a very long time since I felt that enthralled over making a little website.
I forgot to make those calls.

Sept 25th

I woke up and worked on that website again.
Our cousin sent us a bunch of sweet potatoes from his garden. Since we had so many, I decided to try out making this recipie. It's quite good, if you like the spicy/sweet/salt taste combination like I do.
I saw this on Boing Boing. I really want to make this for myself since I have a bunch of old floppies.
Since Halloween, my favorite holiday, is coming soon, I went about looking up do-it-yourself costumes. I saw a book based on no-sew halloween costumes that held things together using a hot glue gun. Since I, armed with hot glue gun, can't sew all too well and have a craft drawer teeming with hot glue sticks, this is something to get into.
I forgot to make those calls.

Sept 26th

I went to a job interview today. It didn't go bad. I'm not talking about it much to jinx it.
I went to the YMCa and dd pilates
I acnt typerigt noow. i can barely see because i dthought of games after the y and realiezd i could not play thm. i have had henfc headach for a while now and i cant think stright i cand t move or do anything but i put up efrfor to frecord this my puls is vry high
i dont know what just happened. my neck hurts and i was on the floor for a while. i need to vaccum i forgot to call

Sept 27th

This is very hard for me to write. The night before or early this morning, I almost overdosed on painkillers. I don't remember much of what happened. I rememeber going for a walk outside around 9:30 pm, coming back inside, trying to cry and failing. I remember tying soemething around my neck, falling in the floor and crying. I wasn't really crying, more like choking and heaving. I remember getting online and trying to chat, someone calling me, but not much else. There is a gap between that. I remember taking pills, not a handful, but one at a time and I don't know how many. Then I remember my mother trying to make me vomit and me telling her all that happened regarding WoW. I am fortunate for her to be understanding and reminded me of her gambling addiction and dad's alcoholism. She asked if I wanted to see a professional. I told her I did but I didn't have the money. She told me not to worry about it and that we would be able to find someone good and reasonable here. She said my lack of friends drove me to do that, and I do belive it because it was the social aspect that attracted me. With what my few friends that are still in the area's conflicing schedules, and my other friends far off, it is very hard. I'm more introverted and I would rather have a few very close friends instead of a bunch of fleeting aquaintences. One of those friends even called me around 2AM to make sure I was okay. It is hard too because there aren't many people around here who I can relate to.
I'm not enjoying the idea of her having me go to 30 and under night at her church, either, to meet people. She said "you really need god to get better." I asked if she just wanted me to go to church, and if I could go to the Unitarian church to make her feel comfortable (note the highlight- and Unitarian is the only religion I have felt warmth from), and she said she didn't care. She just wanted "the fear of the lord" in me. I really don't need that evangelist shit while I'm trying to heal. It's bad enough I can't stand sitting through sermons; I have a hard enough time sitting through lecture courses. But at least with lectures, you can speak up, ask questions, argue.
My head hurts after typing that. That is minor. After all that and despite the church thing I feel diffrent. It's very frightening, but I feel very diffrent. It's a little clear and odd, and it's frightening.
I'm very sleepy. I cleaned my room, untangled the bundle of cords at my computer desk that's been there since WoW, washed some dolls, and now about to call around the diffrent addiction recovery centers here.
I called a place. One didn't feel comfortable helping gamer addictions, which is understandable as it is still new. They gave me two refrences to two outpatient places very close by. I left messages with both places and now awaiting their calls.
My mother and I sat down for an early dinner and she told me about the church she'd been going to. She told me how open and accepting it was, even gay couples come (in this area, the Bible Belt, when gays couples are acknowledged and recive the same respect everyone else does in a church does, it's truly revolutionary to me). Considering the harsh nature of the churches here, this made me feel warm and happy inside. The small churches here are highly heiarachal and money focused. They are also hippocrytical, condoning everything they do not directly benifit from (ex. my great aunt recently won a large sum of money in the state lottery. At the church my mother was baptized at, my great aunt's church, the reverend preached about the evils of gambling and how you'll burn if you do so much as do it. However, he lavished praise on my great aunt for donating a portion of her lottery win to the church immediately after cursing gambling. "Sometimes's we're blessed by evil means." Such hipocrisy is common here.). I told her I would go this Sunday. For the first time in my life, I felt spiritual peace with my mother.

Sept 28th

I went to my dad's house to finish getting my car fixed. I was scared I'd 'relapse,' having access to high-speed internet and thus could go download a game or patch an old one and play it. I really never did; the idea of relapsing scared me. I wrote a plot for a small roleplaying game I'm writing instead and touched up a few commissions.

Sept 29th

Still at dad's, I ran some errands for him, walked around the old neighborhood, overslept. I was happy to sleep in, as I'll be getting up early next week and want to savor the full extent of not living by an alarm clock. My body tingles as my favorite time of year approaches.

Friends Forever?

2006-09-23T11:35:00.000-05:00

I only keep in touch with three people from WoW, two of them know about my addiction. All but one (K) don't say things like "I miss youuuuuuuuuuuuu. You should come back to WoW!" Nope. Though online, I consider them my good friends.

Most of the 'friends' I made on WoW, I gave them my instant message screename after I left in case they wanted to chat. One even offered to keep paying my subscription, thinking that I just didn't have the money to pay for WoW anymore (technically, I didn't. I had it but it had better places to go). After a few months of not playing WoW, the IMs from them became fewer and fewer. We had nothing in common between WoW and roleplaying on World of Warcraft. Some would IM me to talk about loot they'd gotten, a change in the plot of the roleplay I was on, or asking to RP with me when they couldn't get on WoW (which I was up for and I found annoying at the same time). If it wasn't WoW, it was talking about the next MMORPG they were anticipating. It just felt pathetic.

Recently, someone from WoW IMed me who I had roleplayed with as well. The first thing they said was "I'm bored."

This really pissed me off. I didn't snap, but it just didn't look good. After 10 months or so of not speaking because we didn't have much in common beyond WoW, you say "I'm bored" to me?

I addressed that in a more polite way. He said he'd been busy at work and was surprised I had remembered him. I only remembered him because his screename had been renamed on my Trillian list to reflect his World of Warcraft character name. He asked how my life was doing, I told him I was busy with school. I asked him the same. He said he was playing EQ2 now. Nice, he's moving up in the world, I guess.

It's something how that is. People get worried and say they'll miss you after you quit a game. I'm sure they do, but they don't have much to say when you're no longer in the game. Let's do this together! We'll raid that together! Oh, if you ever come back, we'll give you this, let you do this, take you here! Who cares? They're not your real friends. I tried to talk to them about my school and telling them how nice it was. I tried to tell them about projects and what's been going on...

"Oh, are you still drawing WoW stuff?"

Always back to WoW.

I tell them I'm going to the beach, ask if they're going out on vacation anytime soon...
"No. But Zul'Gurub just opened. It's gonna be so cool!"

I lost hope after that.

It wasn't upset; it happens. My interests were elsewhere, and theirs were with WoW. They were welcome to it, if you ask me. I remember playing FLYFF for two months and joining a guild. They had a little quiz to take to see whether or not you'd make a good member. You had to make at least a 75%, which I got. One of the questions involved asked how you ranked the guild's needs over your family. I picked family as my top priority. Many people did and didn't score well, coincidentally. It was pretty depressing and made me think about the cost of game friendships: they can be quite cheap, for the most part. A guild is a guild, and as you play games, you may join many. But you only get one family. I thought it was silly to even HAVE that question. It should be mandatory that family matters come before the guild.

I guess it can be saddening, but that's just how it is. Some will try to convince you to come back because I figure they know, deep down inside, they know that'll be it. And some will tell you "oh, you'll be back to stay. I've seen it happen many times."

There's not much of that I can do with my installer CDs smashed up against rocks on the bottom of the river, now can I? And why would I go out and buy another copy of WoW when I can save my cash and you can just IM me? Cash I could use towards next quarter's books? As if.

Procrastination & The Gaming Fast

2006-09-22T10:03:00.000-05:00

Procrastinating has gotten a lot worse since I got hooked on WoW. Even after quitting, it's still prevalent.

I used to procrastinate anyway, but it wasn't that bad. I'd procrastinate for a few minutes up to an hour or two, and then would just do whatever it was I had planned on or was supposed to do.

It's much worse now. I don't even procrastinate at work that needs to be done; I procrastinate over things that are supposed to be fun. If it's a hobby where the "reward" takes a longer time to achieve, I hesitate for a very long time (as much as a day to a week) before doing it. This includes:

Exercising or walking outside
Drawing or anything creative
Getting started on extra credit work
Doing favors for others

The worst part about is that, when I get started, I feel very empty. There's no more spark of achieving that wonderful long-term goal. I'm just moving along like an automaton.

I hate it.

Funny thing, though. Just as I was griping over this, I was checking out OLGAnon and saw their 12-step program. I'm not much for 12 steps, but this stood out to me:

1) When leaving any addiction, it is strongly recommended to stay off of the games, COMPLETELY for 30 days. (That is why treatment programs are 28 days in
length!) Come here every day, post and share with others. By staying off of the
games for that length of time, your brain will get re-wired, or washed, so it will
function rationally, again. You will be able to see clearly, what has happened to
you. You will be able to think, and make your own choices, and not function in a
hypnotic daze, as a result of compulsive gaming.

Now, I didn't clean out my system, so to speak, after I quit WoW. I played smaller, fill-in games after a week of quitting. While I didn't get addicted to them, they didn't truly help clear my system and kept me wanting to fuffill that need.

Therefore, until October 22nd, no games. If I do anything game related, it must be production, be it script writing, concept art, messing with flash or a game engine, spriting, or anything like that. I cannot. play. a game.

Don't Smash It, You Might Want to Play Again

2006-09-18T17:43:00.000-05:00

I just got back from smashing my WoW CDs using river rocks and throwing them off the dam. As I drove down the road home, my head suddenly felt so much clearer. Before that, I disenchanted everything on my character I made on my friends account and sold them for dirt cheap.

My friend who I mentioned in a latter post, K, had this dialogue with me as I was disenchanting:

[13:15] Me: I'm about to DE all my shit
[13:15] Me: I cant do this anymore
[13:15] K: lol why?
[13:15] K: =\ Don't go all emo about it. Just put it down and don't play
[13:17] Me: I'm not being emo :P
[13:17] Me: Seriously, I'm not
[13:17] Me: I just
[13:17] Me: I have an urge to do it
[13:17] K: I know. Just don't DE your shit =\ not like it matters or anything, but.
[13:17] K: You may want to play again or something.
[13:17] K: >_> we all get those urges
[13:18] Me: But I plan on uninstalling it and throwing it off the dam
[13:18] Me: or burning it. I really shouldnt pollute that poor river more than it already is.
[13:18] K: Ah.
[13:18] K: Lewl
[13:18] Me: It's just a bad reminder

Some people don't realize that's the entire point. After reading my writeup about what happened with me and sympathizing (he quit a job to raid with the biggest raid group on the server and would likely not repeat that again), he says that. But what do I expect from someone who plays through most console games in a day? He's a power gamer. Not a catass, mind you, but power gamer, still.

Back on topic: I feel very relived now, doing that. I felt akward talking about the idea of smashing up my WoW CDs, but I know how those kind of rituals can really help. My room, where I kept my WoW box and CDs, feels very clean now.

Will I relapse and download the game or buy it? No. Here's why:

Art school is exspensive! With fall quarter coming up, I need to buy more bristol and maybe some marker paper. That's almost $30 right there. Plus books for the new quarter or even programs I may have to get can run well into the hundreds.
Gas money. My commute is long. That $15 can get me 3/4ths of a tank.
Clothes. The weather is getting cooler and I'm long overdue for a few new outfits.
I want to play Phantasy Star Universe. Phantasy Star Online, the first version of the Online Phantasy Star games was quite casual. I played Blue Burst for a few months and it was a nice game to play after 12 hours on campus. Play 2 hours, and you'll definetly get to see more of the game. Whereas a game like WoW, you may spend that long getting somewhere, completing one quest, and running back to turn it in. PSU is very casual and busy gamer friendly. While I'm in no hurry to get it since it's just novelty, I'd rather spend my money on it than WoW.

So I couldn't if I wanted to unless I wanted to mess up my budgetting.

Me, extended.

2006-09-14T16:23:00.000-05:00

In the last post, I included a link that provided the details of the event. I'll talk a bit about my gaming background here and what element of World of Warcraft addicted me. I have gamed since I was 7 and roleplayed since I was 16. Never has either impacted my life in such a negative way. They had their moments, but I didn't flunk out of school or lose jobs over either of them.

When I played WoW, I first played a PvE (Player versus... Everything?) server. No PVP, no RP, just kill, quest, and kill. It was drab and people constantly talked about their real lives. It was too close for comfort for me and I did not enjoy it. The game aspect itself was hollow. Had I stayed on just that server, I would have quit in two months of playing.

I decided to roll on an RPing server. That's when things got bad. It started out okay until I began posting on the forums and whatnot, getting more and more well known. More people to game with, more hours on the game. More roleplay I got into, the more eager I got to find more. To find people to roleplay with could be kind of tricky. I used to RP on Yahoo chat. Around this time, the user rooms had been shut down due to rampant solicitation for underaged sex there, putting a huge hamper on the RPing community. Instead of looking for lighter alternatives, I stuck to World of Warcraft. WoW being my first MMORPG that was pay to play seemed sensational: you had characters that looked halfway decent, a world you could explore and impliment in your roleplay, items, pvp, everything: that reeled me in.

When the honor (for Player vs. Player rewards) and battlegrounds (instanced areas exclusively for PVP games) came out, I really got bad. You see, in WoW, skill does not matter in Player vs. Player- not usually though a good few work their way through it. The better your loot, the 'better' you are in PVP. Your skills and stats are enhanced by these epic items that usually take 5-20 hours a week to aquire. Enchantments, which are acessible to anyone with the gold, make these items better.

I, too, got caught up in this upsweep. While I didnt have the patience to join a rading guild, I still tried to raid and keep up with the new wave. People were starting to tune out RP more and more, which upset me. I wanted to keep up with my PVP honor/loot-happy 'friends.' The server was beginning to go downhill- and maybe for the best. There was already unecessary dramatics from the RP. Now people on the server forums complained about "unfair PVP" and treated the game more and more like a job with raiding and gaming.

When a friend, who had been one of the top players on the server, decided to quit and told me how much he missed his old life, I felt the same way and eventually followed suit. School is now my distraction but I still have a long way to go.

I want to make a game, be it online, offline, portable or home console. When I do, I don't want it to be a shallow and beautified hole that WoW is- or has become (it's original goal was to appeal to the casual gamer). I want it to be casual-friendly and actually require some skills, tact, and thought process. WoW has become a rape of what gaming should be, I think. I think anny MMO made with Everquest's and World of Warcraft's formula that passively encourages people to work instead of game is a rape of what gaming should be.

Spring Cleaning in the Fall

2006-09-14T14:53:00.000-05:00

(For a summary of what happened, my backstory, you can read this post located right here.)
I think tomorrow will be a year since I let my WoW account expire. The billing date is usually around the 14th-16th of each month. I remember the first month was hard. I didn't want to go back, though.

If you read the post I just linked, a few things have changed. I told my friend who got me the game, we'll call her L, about my problem. I was self concious about destroying my copy of the game since it was a gift from her. She told me to go on and destroy it how I like if it'll help.

Though I've quit, she offered to share her account with me last week. I took up the offer as a test. I took the test, and now I cant stand WoW anymore. The game is a hollow shell- many free MMORPGs have the same exact formula (if anything, you're paying for server stability). The quests are a rehash of the same engine, and there's no point to it. The aspect that kept me hooked, the roleplay on the roleplay servers, was now empty and lifeless. I felt my creative energy going to waste, not to sound conceited. Today, I'm disenchanting (the act of destroying good quality equipment and turning it into essences to enhance equipment and weapons with) my character's goods and vending/auctioning off what I can. I will send the gold to my friend's main before deleting the character.

I told my friend(who we'll call K throughout this, for lack of a better word, journey) the one who I allowed know my identity on the server (being popular got me addicted, too. It was something I was not in real life. He told me I was being dramatic in my actions. "Just stop playing. You may want to play again!" Oh hell no. I'm going spring cleaning on this joint.

I still have yet to determine how I'll destroy the CDs. I was considering flinging them off the dam, but the river is polluted enough. Still, dropping them off a bridge seems appealing to me. Burning is also an option I'm going to keep in mind. Smashing them is the most easily acessible type of destruction, but it may not be the most reliving to me. I'll start by burning one and see how that goes.