Withdrawl Log: September 22nd-29th

Sept 22nd

• My first day. I knew it wouldn't be easy. It started out okay. I installed most of my old games, and deleted bookmarks to browser-based games I've been playing. So far, so good.
• In the evening, I could barely do anything. I read a book, I called a friend, I looked up North Korean things so I could look at strange propaganda art (my weakness) and went to bed early.
• I dreamt of gaming, of WoW, of all kinds of games. I dreamt of disenchanting my character's stuff, auctioning off the shards, and selling the gold for cash. I then dreamt of selling my character and buying a drafting table with the money. I woke up feeling sick.
  

Sept 23rd

• Day starts out akward, still recaling that dream/nightmare/what-have-you. I remembered my friend told me about a post she saw on the WoW official forums about a man bragging about getting a full epic set, saying all he had to do were things like feed his kids quick meals like ramen and whatnot. I wanted to see it for myself, so I went to the forums. Text search was disabled, so I skimmed along a few pages. I read some topics and was reminded at how shortsighted and dumb the WoW players could get, and left. I did find a player's intresting writup on the lifespan of MMORPGs:The Curse of MMO's(sic): The Two Year Lifespan
• After a painful bout with boredom after cleaning up, I went to the YMCA and the library. I'm glad I did. Once I arrived home, I really felt like messing with painter. I watched some movies while drawing. I ended the day feeling euphoric...
• ...but worried. We're on break this week and classes don't start again until October 2nd. I'm actually missing homework assignments.
• I worked on a buisness card for my mother. I have to call around for a decently priced print shop Monday (24th)
  

Sept 24th

• I didn't feel the same euphoria as yesterday. It was a rather dead day. I overslept, I picked up a bit. I played with CSS. It was uneventful- but it's been a very long time since I felt that enthralled over making a little website.
• I forgot to make those calls.
  

Sept 25th

• I woke up and worked on that website again.
• Our cousin sent us a bunch of sweet potatoes from his garden. Since we had so many, I decided to try out making this recipie. It's quite good, if you like the spicy/sweet/salt taste combination like I do.
• I saw this on Boing Boing. I really want to make this for myself since I have a bunch of old floppies.
  
• Since Halloween, my favorite holiday, is coming soon, I went about looking up do-it-yourself costumes. I saw a book based on no-sew halloween costumes that held things together using a hot glue gun. Since I, armed with hot glue gun, can't sew all too well and have a craft drawer teeming with hot glue sticks, this is something to get into.
• I forgot to make those calls.
  

Sept 26th

• I went to a job interview today. It didn't go bad. I'm not talking about it much to jinx it.
• I went to the YMCa and dd pilates
• I acnt typerigt noow. i can barely see because i dthought of games after the y and realiezd i could not play thm. i have had henfc headach for a while now and i cant think stright i cand t move or do anything but i put up efrfor to frecord this my puls is vry high
• i dont know what just happened. my neck hurts and i was on the floor for a while. i need to vaccum i forgot to call
  

Sept 27th

• This is very hard for me to write. The night before or early this morning, I almost overdosed on painkillers. I don't remember much of what happened. I rememeber going for a walk outside around 9:30 pm, coming back inside, trying to cry and failing. I remember tying soemething around my neck, falling in the floor and crying. I wasn't really crying, more like choking and heaving. I remember getting online and trying to chat, someone calling me, but not much else. There is a gap between that. I remember taking pills, not a handful, but one at a time and I don't know how many. Then I remember my mother trying to make me vomit and me telling her all that happened regarding WoW. I am fortunate for her to be understanding and reminded me of her gambling addiction and dad's alcoholism. She asked if I wanted to see a professional. I told her I did but I didn't have the money. She told me not to worry about it and that we would be able to find someone good and reasonable here. She said my lack of friends drove me to do that, and I do belive it because it was the social aspect that attracted me. With what my few friends that are still in the area's conflicing schedules, and my other friends far off, it is very hard. I'm more introverted and I would rather have a few very close friends instead of a bunch of fleeting aquaintences. One of those friends even called me around 2AM to make sure I was okay. It is hard too because there aren't many people around here who I can relate to.
  
• I'm not enjoying the idea of her having me go to 30 and under night at her church, either, to meet people. She said "you really need god to get better." I asked if she just wanted me to go to church, and if I could go to the Unitarian church to make her feel comfortable (note the highlight- and Unitarian is the only religion I have felt warmth from), and she said she didn't care. She just wanted "the fear of the lord" in me. I really don't need that evangelist shit while I'm trying to heal. It's bad enough I can't stand sitting through sermons; I have a hard enough time sitting through lecture courses. But at least with lectures, you can speak up, ask questions, argue.
  
• My head hurts after typing that. That is minor. After all that and despite the church thing I feel diffrent. It's very frightening, but I feel very diffrent. It's a little clear and odd, and it's frightening.
• I'm very sleepy. I cleaned my room, untangled the bundle of cords at my computer desk that's been there since WoW, washed some dolls, and now about to call around the diffrent addiction recovery centers here.
• I called a place. One didn't feel comfortable helping gamer addictions, which is understandable as it is still new. They gave me two refrences to two outpatient places very close by. I left messages with both places and now awaiting their calls.
• My mother and I sat down for an early dinner and she told me about the church she'd been going to. She told me how open and accepting it was, even gay couples come (in this area, the Bible Belt, when gays couples are acknowledged and recive the same respect everyone else does in a church does, it's truly revolutionary to me). Considering the harsh nature of the churches here, this made me feel warm and happy inside. The small churches here are highly heiarachal and money focused. They are also hippocrytical, condoning everything they do not directly benifit from (ex. my great aunt recently won a large sum of money in the state lottery. At the church my mother was baptized at, my great aunt's church, the reverend preached about the evils of gambling and how you'll burn if you do so much as do it. However, he lavished praise on my great aunt for donating a portion of her lottery win to the church immediately after cursing gambling. "Sometimes's we're blessed by evil means." Such hipocrisy is common here.). I told her I would go this Sunday. For the first time in my life, I felt spiritual peace with my mother.
  

Sept 28th

• I went to my dad's house to finish getting my car fixed. I was scared I'd 'relapse,' having access to high-speed internet and thus could go download a game or patch an old one and play it. I really never did; the idea of relapsing scared me. I wrote a plot for a small roleplaying game I'm writing instead and touched up a few commissions.
  

Sept 29th

• Still at dad's, I ran some errands for him, walked around the old neighborhood, overslept. I was happy to sleep in, as I'll be getting up early next week and want to savor the full extent of not living by an alarm clock. My body tingles as my favorite time of year approaches.