Changes

I apologize for not updating often, I've been doing work and school and I just got a second work at home job that I'd been hoping for.

Ever since the outburst on the last post, I've felt different but I won't jump to conclusions as to what they are as I am always on edge about relapsing. My friend told me to play a game that day, and everything felt better; my headache went away, my irritation died down. I was only allowed to play for an hour.

After that day, I played here and there. As time went by, I played games for less and less and focused more and more on the little roleplaying game I was making for fun and commissions.

When at school on break, I would go to Multi-Player Online Games directory or MMOsite to find a new game. I tried to do that on Tuesday and barely stayed on each site for more than a minute. I just felt odd inside. Instead I started looking up stuff on polymer clay modeling and had a good time reading the tutorials and planning on how to utilize them for my projects.

I played Kingdom of Loathing and logged out after about fifteen minutes. It was once that I could play that game for 2 or even 3 hours. It was the same with Goonzu; I played for about 30 minutes and went offline. I kept getting that urge that I could do something better.

I still like gaming but I tingle when I think of being creative or productive. It's still hard to get started on things but not nearly as hard as before. I am still scared of going backwards.

WHAT THE HELL

This is insane.
I'm on the 1MBPS connection (as opposed to 56k at the other house) and can't game because of this fast. What do you do on high speed if you can't game? Download things? Watch YouTube? I can't go out because my car is in the shop until Sunday, and my friends are an hour away. All there is is TV, but it's TV. It's too dark to go walking... I can't write or draw, I'm too tired and need something mindless to do.

This is insane. It's like being inside of an amusement park, but you can't ride anything.

It hurts badly. My head hurts badly. My stress from the work week keeps piling on. Every urge I get, I push it down and push it down. It never gets resolved, only festers. Last week, my period barely lasted 2 days (It's normally 3-4) and my mood through the entire period was horrible (my mood swings dissappear as it starts). I am starting to think this withdrawl is doing worse to me than i t should.

Withdrawal Log: September 30th-October 6th

September 30th

• At home now, cleaned up what needed to be cleaned up, which isn't very much. I ordered a new muffler for my car, as my current one could blow someone's eardrums out. I went to my cousin's house and got my hair cornrowed. It looks very pretty, but she did them up so tight, I can't turn my head without pivoting the rest of my body. Other than that, I'm enjoying the evening. I need to lay my clothes out for tomorrow's service.
  

October 6th

The week has been too busy for me to keep log regularly, so I'll talk about the highlights up until today. I went and did a google search for the church I talked about, Central Church of God of Charlotte, N.C. I found out that, though it's a nice community, the upper levels support beliefs I'm very against. They pulled funding from two Charlotte charities because one had funders from the Catholics, and another allowed Muslim students to volunteer (For references, see the articles here and here.). In addition to finding this on the internet, his happened in 2005 and I tried to search for a rebuttal. There wasn't one. When Thursday came and I went to the college service, I had meant to ask but didn't. Reason being was that I found two documents: one advertising a convention for Christian Apologetics (which, for example, listed Unitarians as a threat. Many Unitarians practice Christianity), and the other advocating prayers for Muslims. Not so much so for aid, but more to accept the idea as Jesus as God. Mind you, I'm not trying to turn this into a religious pundit blog; I'm simply stating why this church I found so much hope in now has a high chance of not working out for me, and it doesn't have to. I don't like the idea of one group displaying themselves as more righteous than the other; we're all human. This also made me see that I need more time to myself in terms of spirituality and just meditate.

That aside, I got a new job starting this Monday tutoring elementary students and teaching English as a second language. I'm excited about it but very nervous. As I said, I have a hard time with eye contact and communication even since becoming addictive. I hope I can control it or get out of it as I really like tutoring and would like to keep this job through school.

School is busy. I'm going for 12 hours on Tuesday and 9 hours on Thursday. All the classes are good and I'm hoping for another good quarter.

I still feel nervous sometimes and have cravings. It's like a dull burn. I'm taking St. John's wort until I can get to my appointment with the psychiatrist on the 18th.