WoW-Anon

Confessions of an ex-World of Warcraft gamer.

Monday, September 17, 2007

The breakup letter.

So, last week, I was having a talk with a friend who I met on WoW. (we quit together under the terms the game was stupid, but I was addicted and he wasn't; he's been EXTREMELY supportive of me, though)

At the time, I was on the rebound playing on private servers. Although I wouldn't play as compulsively as I would on retail- considering one server had extremely high rates and custom content, and the other was 1-hit-level-70, I still played on my weeks off from school and work to cope with my anxiety and stress that had accumulated over the years in addition to being in such a 'dead area' (Read the previous post).

I was repeating to him what happened in counseling in a sort of zoned out state. At the same time, I was playing Windows Solitaire for the hell of it on the PC in the kitchen while waiting for my dinner to finish cooking.

It was the first time, in a long time, I had to play a game that commanded my skill and actual attention.

It was kind of a slap in the face. I said "IM LOSING AT WINDOWS SOLITAIRE." But, it was more to it than that; WAY more. I can't explain it, but it hit me hard. I was expecting the same kind of gameplay I had been used to since December 6th, 2004. And, all of a sudden, the gameplay I remembered from 1984 just jumped on me.

I still can't put it into words; it's more to it than that. I said "I really need to get rid of WoW." After all the trouble I went to re-downloading it and putting it on not one, but two computers...

I asked my friend what I could do to get it out of my system. He suggested that, if he were me, he'd write something like a breakup letter to WoW. List all the good times. List the bad times. Say why you can't be there for WoW anymore. Burn the letter.

Truth be told, I hate writing. I hate writing my own name with a pencil, even; I have to use a pen. This makes no sense because I draw a lot; it's part of my study and work. But the act of typing gives me a lot of relief.

So, that's what I did. I poured my heart out. Those good times I kept dwelling on, I put that in there. The bad times that started to come up, especially when honor was introduced, was included. I included my own lack of self-discipline and my dedication to WoW, my eternal search for that missing something in the huge void in my life. But I also criticized WoW for what it did to people who I'd met ingame, people who were friendly in lower levels, but turned selfish in the endgame, and how WoW made that one person realize their life was just more than a game. (who rubbed off on me; I'll get more into that person later someday)

I haven't printed it out; I don't think I will just yet. It's still on my hard drive. I read over it and add more to it that I've forgotten. One of the issues I had was lying to myself, and I just kept unloading and unloading. I can't comprehend how much of a relief it was to write that letter.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

My counselor says I need to leave this town.

I am a completely different person when I'm at school. I'm eager to communicate, I try to go the extra mile, I hang out, I stay after (if I'm not too tired or hungry), I get into trouble, I have a good time. If I game, it's with a group of people I am physically with.

I don't think about WoW or any other MMO. If anything, I think about making one.

At home, it's just the same old redundant out in the country. I go into my room. I may try to talk to my family, but they get distracted or are just as tired. I go online and do online things. It's boring and unfeeling. And yes, sometimes I may play on the WoW private servers just to put a dent in my redundancy. But even then, there is nothing there.

The medication I'm on right now makes me dream every night. Sometimes they're painfully vivid nightmares that make me scared to go to sleep. But other times, they're exciting dreams that make me never want to wake up again.

I sent my friend a text message last night because I didn't feel like coming online:

I feel so stifled. I go on WoW to play & I feel nothing. I don't finish my Neverwinter Nights download because I don't know what I can get from it. I then realize I'm not gaming for fun, but for compensation of this redundancy and my limited options here. And then, what does one do when your last outlet becomes a part of that redundant, stifling pattern to where you log in and play mindlessly, so far gone in the task, you're numb to your drug of choice?
I think the question was rhetorical. Nonetheless, it's haunting my mind.

I have to go to the next city over to give my housing deposit over for the dorms. My financial aid approved of me to get them, so all there is now is to wait until move-in time.

But what do I do until then?