Withdrawl Log: September 22nd-29th

Sept 22nd

• My first day. I knew it wouldn't be easy. It started out okay. I installed most of my old games, and deleted bookmarks to browser-based games I've been playing. So far, so good.
• In the evening, I could barely do anything. I read a book, I called a friend, I looked up North Korean things so I could look at strange propaganda art (my weakness) and went to bed early.
• I dreamt of gaming, of WoW, of all kinds of games. I dreamt of disenchanting my character's stuff, auctioning off the shards, and selling the gold for cash. I then dreamt of selling my character and buying a drafting table with the money. I woke up feeling sick.
  

Sept 23rd

• Day starts out akward, still recaling that dream/nightmare/what-have-you. I remembered my friend told me about a post she saw on the WoW official forums about a man bragging about getting a full epic set, saying all he had to do were things like feed his kids quick meals like ramen and whatnot. I wanted to see it for myself, so I went to the forums. Text search was disabled, so I skimmed along a few pages. I read some topics and was reminded at how shortsighted and dumb the WoW players could get, and left. I did find a player's intresting writup on the lifespan of MMORPGs:The Curse of MMO's(sic): The Two Year Lifespan
• After a painful bout with boredom after cleaning up, I went to the YMCA and the library. I'm glad I did. Once I arrived home, I really felt like messing with painter. I watched some movies while drawing. I ended the day feeling euphoric...
• ...but worried. We're on break this week and classes don't start again until October 2nd. I'm actually missing homework assignments.
• I worked on a buisness card for my mother. I have to call around for a decently priced print shop Monday (24th)
  

Sept 24th

• I didn't feel the same euphoria as yesterday. It was a rather dead day. I overslept, I picked up a bit. I played with CSS. It was uneventful- but it's been a very long time since I felt that enthralled over making a little website.
• I forgot to make those calls.
  

Sept 25th

• I woke up and worked on that website again.
• Our cousin sent us a bunch of sweet potatoes from his garden. Since we had so many, I decided to try out making this recipie. It's quite good, if you like the spicy/sweet/salt taste combination like I do.
• I saw this on Boing Boing. I really want to make this for myself since I have a bunch of old floppies.
  
• Since Halloween, my favorite holiday, is coming soon, I went about looking up do-it-yourself costumes. I saw a book based on no-sew halloween costumes that held things together using a hot glue gun. Since I, armed with hot glue gun, can't sew all too well and have a craft drawer teeming with hot glue sticks, this is something to get into.
• I forgot to make those calls.
  

Sept 26th

• I went to a job interview today. It didn't go bad. I'm not talking about it much to jinx it.
• I went to the YMCa and dd pilates
• I acnt typerigt noow. i can barely see because i dthought of games after the y and realiezd i could not play thm. i have had henfc headach for a while now and i cant think stright i cand t move or do anything but i put up efrfor to frecord this my puls is vry high
• i dont know what just happened. my neck hurts and i was on the floor for a while. i need to vaccum i forgot to call
  

Sept 27th

• This is very hard for me to write. The night before or early this morning, I almost overdosed on painkillers. I don't remember much of what happened. I rememeber going for a walk outside around 9:30 pm, coming back inside, trying to cry and failing. I remember tying soemething around my neck, falling in the floor and crying. I wasn't really crying, more like choking and heaving. I remember getting online and trying to chat, someone calling me, but not much else. There is a gap between that. I remember taking pills, not a handful, but one at a time and I don't know how many. Then I remember my mother trying to make me vomit and me telling her all that happened regarding WoW. I am fortunate for her to be understanding and reminded me of her gambling addiction and dad's alcoholism. She asked if I wanted to see a professional. I told her I did but I didn't have the money. She told me not to worry about it and that we would be able to find someone good and reasonable here. She said my lack of friends drove me to do that, and I do belive it because it was the social aspect that attracted me. With what my few friends that are still in the area's conflicing schedules, and my other friends far off, it is very hard. I'm more introverted and I would rather have a few very close friends instead of a bunch of fleeting aquaintences. One of those friends even called me around 2AM to make sure I was okay. It is hard too because there aren't many people around here who I can relate to.
  
• I'm not enjoying the idea of her having me go to 30 and under night at her church, either, to meet people. She said "you really need god to get better." I asked if she just wanted me to go to church, and if I could go to the Unitarian church to make her feel comfortable (note the highlight- and Unitarian is the only religion I have felt warmth from), and she said she didn't care. She just wanted "the fear of the lord" in me. I really don't need that evangelist shit while I'm trying to heal. It's bad enough I can't stand sitting through sermons; I have a hard enough time sitting through lecture courses. But at least with lectures, you can speak up, ask questions, argue.
  
• My head hurts after typing that. That is minor. After all that and despite the church thing I feel diffrent. It's very frightening, but I feel very diffrent. It's a little clear and odd, and it's frightening.
• I'm very sleepy. I cleaned my room, untangled the bundle of cords at my computer desk that's been there since WoW, washed some dolls, and now about to call around the diffrent addiction recovery centers here.
• I called a place. One didn't feel comfortable helping gamer addictions, which is understandable as it is still new. They gave me two refrences to two outpatient places very close by. I left messages with both places and now awaiting their calls.
• My mother and I sat down for an early dinner and she told me about the church she'd been going to. She told me how open and accepting it was, even gay couples come (in this area, the Bible Belt, when gays couples are acknowledged and recive the same respect everyone else does in a church does, it's truly revolutionary to me). Considering the harsh nature of the churches here, this made me feel warm and happy inside. The small churches here are highly heiarachal and money focused. They are also hippocrytical, condoning everything they do not directly benifit from (ex. my great aunt recently won a large sum of money in the state lottery. At the church my mother was baptized at, my great aunt's church, the reverend preached about the evils of gambling and how you'll burn if you do so much as do it. However, he lavished praise on my great aunt for donating a portion of her lottery win to the church immediately after cursing gambling. "Sometimes's we're blessed by evil means." Such hipocrisy is common here.). I told her I would go this Sunday. For the first time in my life, I felt spiritual peace with my mother.
  

Sept 28th

• I went to my dad's house to finish getting my car fixed. I was scared I'd 'relapse,' having access to high-speed internet and thus could go download a game or patch an old one and play it. I really never did; the idea of relapsing scared me. I wrote a plot for a small roleplaying game I'm writing instead and touched up a few commissions.
  

Sept 29th

• Still at dad's, I ran some errands for him, walked around the old neighborhood, overslept. I was happy to sleep in, as I'll be getting up early next week and want to savor the full extent of not living by an alarm clock. My body tingles as my favorite time of year approaches.
  

Friends Forever?

I only keep in touch with three people from WoW, two of them know about my addiction. All but one (K) don't say things like "I miss youuuuuuuuuuuuu. You should come back to WoW!" Nope. Though online, I consider them my good friends.

Most of the 'friends' I made on WoW, I gave them my instant message screename after I left in case they wanted to chat. One even offered to keep paying my subscription, thinking that I just didn't have the money to pay for WoW anymore (technically, I didn't. I had it but it had better places to go). After a few months of not playing WoW, the IMs from them became fewer and fewer. We had nothing in common between WoW and roleplaying on World of Warcraft. Some would IM me to talk about loot they'd gotten, a change in the plot of the roleplay I was on, or asking to RP with me when they couldn't get on WoW (which I was up for and I found annoying at the same time). If it wasn't WoW, it was talking about the next MMORPG they were anticipating. It just felt pathetic.

Recently, someone from WoW IMed me who I had roleplayed with as well. The first thing they said was "I'm bored."

This really pissed me off. I didn't snap, but it just didn't look good. After 10 months or so of not speaking because we didn't have much in common beyond WoW, you say "I'm bored" to me?

I addressed that in a more polite way. He said he'd been busy at work and was surprised I had remembered him. I only remembered him because his screename had been renamed on my Trillian list to reflect his World of Warcraft character name. He asked how my life was doing, I told him I was busy with school. I asked him the same. He said he was playing EQ2 now. Nice, he's moving up in the world, I guess.

It's something how that is. People get worried and say they'll miss you after you quit a game. I'm sure they do, but they don't have much to say when you're no longer in the game. Let's do this together! We'll raid that together! Oh, if you ever come back, we'll give you this, let you do this, take you here! Who cares? They're not your real friends. I tried to talk to them about my school and telling them how nice it was. I tried to tell them about projects and what's been going on...

"Oh, are you still drawing WoW stuff?"

Always back to WoW.

I tell them I'm going to the beach, ask if they're going out on vacation anytime soon...
"No. But Zul'Gurub just opened. It's gonna be so cool!"

I lost hope after that.

It wasn't upset; it happens. My interests were elsewhere, and theirs were with WoW. They were welcome to it, if you ask me. I remember playing FLYFF for two months and joining a guild. They had a little quiz to take to see whether or not you'd make a good member. You had to make at least a 75%, which I got. One of the questions involved asked how you ranked the guild's needs over your family. I picked family as my top priority. Many people did and didn't score well, coincidentally. It was pretty depressing and made me think about the cost of game friendships: they can be quite cheap, for the most part. A guild is a guild, and as you play games, you may join many. But you only get one family. I thought it was silly to even HAVE that question. It should be mandatory that family matters come before the guild.

I guess it can be saddening, but that's just how it is. Some will try to convince you to come back because I figure they know, deep down inside, they know that'll be it. And some will tell you "oh, you'll be back to stay. I've seen it happen many times."

There's not much of that I can do with my installer CDs smashed up against rocks on the bottom of the river, now can I? And why would I go out and buy another copy of WoW when I can save my cash and you can just IM me? Cash I could use towards next quarter's books? As if.

Procrastination & The Gaming Fast

Procrastinating has gotten a lot worse since I got hooked on WoW. Even after quitting, it's still prevalent.

I used to procrastinate anyway, but it wasn't that bad. I'd procrastinate for a few minutes up to an hour or two, and then would just do whatever it was I had planned on or was supposed to do.

It's much worse now. I don't even procrastinate at work that needs to be done; I procrastinate over things that are supposed to be fun. If it's a hobby where the "reward" takes a longer time to achieve, I hesitate for a very long time (as much as a day to a week) before doing it. This includes:

• Exercising or walking outside
• Drawing or anything creative
• Getting started on extra credit work
• Doing favors for others

The worst part about is that, when I get started, I feel very empty. There's no more spark of achieving that wonderful long-term goal. I'm just moving along like an automaton.

I hate it.

Funny thing, though. Just as I was griping over this, I was checking out OLGAnon and saw their 12-step program. I'm not much for 12 steps, but this stood out to me:

1) When leaving any addiction, it is strongly recommended to stay off of the games, COMPLETELY for 30 days. (That is why treatment programs are 28 days in
length!) Come here every day, post and share with others. By staying off of the
games for that length of time, your brain will get re-wired, or washed, so it will
function rationally, again. You will be able to see clearly, what has happened to
you. You will be able to think, and make your own choices, and not function in a
hypnotic daze, as a result of compulsive gaming.

Now, I didn't clean out my system, so to speak, after I quit WoW. I played smaller, fill-in games after a week of quitting. While I didn't get addicted to them, they didn't truly help clear my system and kept me wanting to fuffill that need.

Therefore, until October 22nd, no games. If I do anything game related, it must be production, be it script writing, concept art, messing with flash or a game engine, spriting, or anything like that. I cannot. play. a game.

Don't Smash It, You Might Want to Play Again

I just got back from smashing my WoW CDs using river rocks and throwing them off the dam. As I drove down the road home, my head suddenly felt so much clearer. Before that, I disenchanted everything on my character I made on my friends account and sold them for dirt cheap.

My friend who I mentioned in a latter post, K, had this dialogue with me as I was disenchanting:

[13:15] Me: I'm about to DE all my shit
[13:15] Me: I cant do this anymore
[13:15] K: lol why?
[13:15] K: =\ Don't go all emo about it. Just put it down and don't play
[13:17] Me: I'm not being emo :P
[13:17] Me: Seriously, I'm not
[13:17] Me: I just
[13:17] Me: I have an urge to do it
[13:17] K: I know. Just don't DE your shit =\ not like it matters or anything, but.
[13:17] K: You may want to play again or something.
[13:17] K: >_> we all get those urges
[13:18] Me: But I plan on uninstalling it and throwing it off the dam
[13:18] Me: or burning it. I really shouldnt pollute that poor river more than it already is.
[13:18] K: Ah.
[13:18] K: Lewl
[13:18] Me: It's just a bad reminder

Some people don't realize that's the entire point. After reading my writeup about what happened with me and sympathizing (he quit a job to raid with the biggest raid group on the server and would likely not repeat that again), he says that. But what do I expect from someone who plays through most console games in a day? He's a power gamer. Not a catass, mind you, but power gamer, still.

Back on topic: I feel very relived now, doing that. I felt akward talking about the idea of smashing up my WoW CDs, but I know how those kind of rituals can really help. My room, where I kept my WoW box and CDs, feels very clean now.

Will I relapse and download the game or buy it? No. Here's why:

1. Art school is exspensive! With fall quarter coming up, I need to buy more bristol and maybe some marker paper. That's almost $30 right there. Plus books for the new quarter or even programs I may have to get can run well into the hundreds.
   
2. Gas money. My commute is long. That $15 can get me 3/4ths of a tank.
3. Clothes. The weather is getting cooler and I'm long overdue for a few new outfits.
   
4. I want to play Phantasy Star Universe. Phantasy Star Online, the first version of the Online Phantasy Star games was quite casual. I played Blue Burst for a few months and it was a nice game to play after 12 hours on campus. Play 2 hours, and you'll definetly get to see more of the game. Whereas a game like WoW, you may spend that long getting somewhere, completing one quest, and running back to turn it in. PSU is very casual and busy gamer friendly. While I'm in no hurry to get it since it's just novelty, I'd rather spend my money on it than WoW.

So I couldn't if I wanted to unless I wanted to mess up my budgetting.

Me, extended.

In the last post, I included a link that provided the details of the event. I'll talk a bit about my gaming background here and what element of World of Warcraft addicted me. I have gamed since I was 7 and roleplayed since I was 16. Never has either impacted my life in such a negative way. They had their moments, but I didn't flunk out of school or lose jobs over either of them.

When I played WoW, I first played a PvE (Player versus... Everything?) server. No PVP, no RP, just kill, quest, and kill. It was drab and people constantly talked about their real lives. It was too close for comfort for me and I did not enjoy it. The game aspect itself was hollow. Had I stayed on just that server, I would have quit in two months of playing.

I decided to roll on an RPing server. That's when things got bad. It started out okay until I began posting on the forums and whatnot, getting more and more well known. More people to game with, more hours on the game. More roleplay I got into, the more eager I got to find more. To find people to roleplay with could be kind of tricky. I used to RP on Yahoo chat. Around this time, the user rooms had been shut down due to rampant solicitation for underaged sex there, putting a huge hamper on the RPing community. Instead of looking for lighter alternatives, I stuck to World of Warcraft. WoW being my first MMORPG that was pay to play seemed sensational: you had characters that looked halfway decent, a world you could explore and impliment in your roleplay, items, pvp, everything: that reeled me in.

When the honor (for Player vs. Player rewards) and battlegrounds (instanced areas exclusively for PVP games) came out, I really got bad. You see, in WoW, skill does not matter in Player vs. Player- not usually though a good few work their way through it. The better your loot, the 'better' you are in PVP. Your skills and stats are enhanced by these epic items that usually take 5-20 hours a week to aquire. Enchantments, which are acessible to anyone with the gold, make these items better.

I, too, got caught up in this upsweep. While I didnt have the patience to join a rading guild, I still tried to raid and keep up with the new wave. People were starting to tune out RP more and more, which upset me. I wanted to keep up with my PVP honor/loot-happy 'friends.' The server was beginning to go downhill- and maybe for the best. There was already unecessary dramatics from the RP. Now people on the server forums complained about "unfair PVP" and treated the game more and more like a job with raiding and gaming.

When a friend, who had been one of the top players on the server, decided to quit and told me how much he missed his old life, I felt the same way and eventually followed suit. School is now my distraction but I still have a long way to go.

I want to make a game, be it online, offline, portable or home console. When I do, I don't want it to be a shallow and beautified hole that WoW is- or has become (it's original goal was to appeal to the casual gamer). I want it to be casual-friendly and actually require some skills, tact, and thought process. WoW has become a rape of what gaming should be, I think. I think anny MMO made with Everquest's and World of Warcraft's formula that passively encourages people to work instead of game is a rape of what gaming should be.

Spring Cleaning in the Fall

(For a summary of what happened, my backstory, you can read this post located right here.)
I think tomorrow will be a year since I let my WoW account expire. The billing date is usually around the 14th-16th of each month. I remember the first month was hard. I didn't want to go back, though.

If you read the post I just linked, a few things have changed. I told my friend who got me the game, we'll call her L, about my problem. I was self concious about destroying my copy of the game since it was a gift from her. She told me to go on and destroy it how I like if it'll help.

Though I've quit, she offered to share her account with me last week. I took up the offer as a test. I took the test, and now I cant stand WoW anymore. The game is a hollow shell- many free MMORPGs have the same exact formula (if anything, you're paying for server stability). The quests are a rehash of the same engine, and there's no point to it. The aspect that kept me hooked, the roleplay on the roleplay servers, was now empty and lifeless. I felt my creative energy going to waste, not to sound conceited. Today, I'm disenchanting (the act of destroying good quality equipment and turning it into essences to enhance equipment and weapons with) my character's goods and vending/auctioning off what I can. I will send the gold to my friend's main before deleting the character.

I told my friend(who we'll call K throughout this, for lack of a better word, journey) the one who I allowed know my identity on the server (being popular got me addicted, too. It was something I was not in real life. He told me I was being dramatic in my actions. "Just stop playing. You may want to play again!" Oh hell no. I'm going spring cleaning on this joint.

I still have yet to determine how I'll destroy the CDs. I was considering flinging them off the dam, but the river is polluted enough. Still, dropping them off a bridge seems appealing to me. Burning is also an option I'm going to keep in mind. Smashing them is the most easily acessible type of destruction, but it may not be the most reliving to me. I'll start by burning one and see how that goes.